Unbreakable: We’re Alive, Dammit

First order of business: if you have Netflix and you’re NOT watching “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” then I give you full permission to stop reading this blog immediately and doing that. Side note, if it were possible for Tine Fey and Ellie Kemper to have a twenty-two year old lovechild, I’d marry that person.


Finding blog topics every week is a hard job. I try to find some sort of common thread that runs through the week that I can comment on. It’s like trying to make my life a TV show when it’s real life. There aren’t always life lessons to be learned at the end of the day. Sometimes Timmy doesn’t end up seeing that Rhonda was the girl for him all along. Sometimes Eric fails the test, even though he learned how to look at Statistics like he looks at basketball. Sometimes Ophelia just stays dead.

But this week was different. There was a theme, and it’s so satisfying to be able to say that and mean it. So kids, this week, we’re talking about women. Yeah, I know, that’s a pretty broad (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) topic, but you know what it’s my blog and I’m a broad so shut up. This week, my women friends have experienced some shit. Let’s dive in, shall we?

So there’s a lot going on. Men have not been kind to my lady friends this past week. Also, what do you call the phenomenon when two of your friends almost always have issues around the same time as one another? This keeps happening to my Big and Little.

I will never understand what makes some men do what they do. Everyone effs up and does stupid things, and yes, men of the world, I am evolved and worldly enough to understand that women do bad things to men as well, but if you haven’t been paying attention, this is my blog. Also, you’ve been the dominant gender for literally ever. Give it a rest, you’re fine. But I digress.

Here’s just a PSA that I wish I could broadcast to the universe: DO. NOT. PROMISE. THINGS. IF. YOU. CAN’T. FOLLOW. THROUGH. I’m serious. Hey, guys from eighteen to thirty who like to date women: If you just want to hook up with a girl, DO NOT SAY YOU WANT MORE THAN THAT. Don’t tell her you want to take her out or you want to meet her friends and family or tell you want to MARRY her, and then tell her things are moving too fast. If things were moving too fast, pal, you’re the idiot who pushed the acceleration down all the way and held it there. Why has this been a theme for so many of my girlfriends this week? Did you make some pact we don’t know about? Is there some penis-shaped spaceship up there that has a chip in you guys? Enlighten me. Please. If you think they only way to get a girl back to your apartment is to tell her you want to date her, you need to take some time for self-reflection because you have a bigger problem. All of the rage I felt brought me back to September 2013 when, in the midst of my own heartbreak, I turned to Alex and said “It’s not even worth it. Relationships aren’t worth it. Why would I do all of this to myself another time–the whole goddamn process–when it might not work out AGAIN? Men aren’t worth it!” This flashback fueled the fire. Anyway, bottom line: don’t say things unless you mean them. Don’t say “I love you” if you don’t feel it. Don’t take that next step just to please your partner. Yes, this goes for everyone. I thought that was obvious, fedora-wearing men’s rights activists. Now you can get off my blog.


In way, way better lady news, Devon Hillard is engaged! And not a moment too soon, as you can see, I was starting to lose faith in males. Just when I was wrapped up in my anger, my good friend Devon announced that she and her longtime boyfriend, John, are engaged. I can’t tell you exactly what happened to me when I learned this: I got really, really, unwarrantedly happy. I felt no jealously or judgement, but so much happiness. amongst all this betrayal and heartbreak, these crazy kids made an actual agreement to, as Devon puts it, “hang out with each other until they die.” On top of it all, Devon might win this really awesome wedding planning thing through an Instagram giveaway and I can’t wait to see how she uses it for the wedding. I have a feeling Pinterest will literally explode. Love! Marriage! Monogramed place cards!

So, with this total mix of emotions, I pushed myself out of my Den of Confusion (that’s the corner of the shower that Alex sends me when I get overstimulated) and onto campus to see Chapman’s production of The Vagina Monologues… and then everything came to a head in my mind. If you haven’t seen the play, I highly recommend it. It made me feel everything: I laughed, I cried, I held up my fingers in the shape of a “V” in solidarity. I wiped away all the happiness and sadness of the week and did a really, really uncomfortable thing: I thought about my vagina. Okay, I guess it was more like my womanhood in general. I’d been cursing boys and praising the concept of marriage all week, but I hadn’t given myself time to process, like, my own self. Totes existential, I know.

As cheesy as it sounds, I found power in my womanhood. Listening to these other women talk about such real issues and joys and pain and love grounded me in my own body for a moment. I’ve been smiling ever since. We go through some shit, us gals. I’ve known this forever. I don’t think there’s a soul on the earth that can make a convincing argument that, as a group, men have it harder than women. We’ve spent centuries being oppressed. We’re still being oppressed. Feminism is so important.

I’m surrounded by such loving and supportive people, both men and women, and this week helped me put that into perspective. Jackie and Charlotte are strong, independent women who deserve everything in the world and more: man or no man. Devon is driven and dedicated, and she found a man who respects and loves the hell out of her. My mom and my mom’s mom and every woman before them: career-driven. Strong. Brilliant. Powerful ladies. My sister is confident and caring, and she doesn’t answer to anyone but herself. Camille is so intelligent and ambitious: there’s electricity in her autonomy. Alex loves deeply and fights fiercely and she lives for the day and for herself. These women and all of my other ladies are what wakes me up, gets me out of bed, makes my coffee, and kicks my ass out the door every day.

Men in my life: I love you. Your friendship and support means everything to me. On a separate note involving men: Chu, thank you for inviting me to Beta formal this weekend. I’ll be there with bells and a bikini on. Expect next week’s blog to involve some of those shenanigans. This was a long blog. I am not sorry. In fact, I am…

♫Unbreakable! They alive, dammit! it’s a miracle. Unbreakable! They alive, dammit! Females are strong as hell!♫

As Rashida Jones once said, “New game. Middle aged tweet followed by EXAMPLE: Gotta get my colonoscopy and mammogram soon. Prevention is key!


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